Cultural awareness

"Lebanese are so rude". "Lebanese are so aggressive". "Lebanese are so inconsiderate". These are only some of the statements that I hear often from both foreigners and Lebanese.

I don't know at what point I started actually believing in this. As you might remember, I was quite enchanted with the good qualities of the Lebanese for a while (especially their hospitality). But lately, I have found myself being very rude, aggressive and incosiderate in Lebanon. And to me, it was very interesting to see how differently I behave when I am abroad.

In Lebanon, I have started to be aggressive with people in the car and in the street. I have started saying unkind things to strangers when they cross me. I have started going through red lights, parking the car everywhere and rushing to get ahead of the line...

I have written before about how the environment affect me and how I have become more aggressive in Beirut.  But there is a choice I haven't been making about my own behavior that became very apparent to me in 2 recent interactions.

I was recently visiting a friend's apartment who is out of town to feed his cats.  I parked my car right at the entrance of the building, when the building's concierge came out and told me to move. There was something about the way he said it that occurred as very rude. In a second, I was livid, and ready to kick the guy's butt. The funny thing is that I didn't even understand what he said (he was speaking in Arabic). It was the way he moved his head, the way he looked at me, I don't know. I just found him very rude. So I told him something not very nice and drove off.

In another recent instance, I was driving up a crowded street and there was a soldier on a scooter driving towards me. I was in the right direction, he was driving against traffic. He told me to move. I interpreted his non-smiling face and hand gestures as "Get out of the way". I was livid in a second, and told him again a not very nice thing and drove off.

What do these 2 interactions teach me? Besides the fact of who is right, who is wrong, what the intention of the 2 guys was, what they intended to communicate... I realize how little time and patience I have left for people now. How quickly I just assume people are attacking me. How little I am willing to question my own shortcomings.

So, coming back to the statement "there is a choice I haven't been making about my own behaviour". I have realized that in Beirut I have given up my choice on how to behave, and I have started mimicking others and believing what we say about each other. I have given up the choice to believe that this place is good and that people are kind. I have forgotten that the only thing that has changed is my attitude towards the place (I can guarantee you that the Lebanese did not act differently the day I arrived to Beirut).

So, talking about New Year's resolutions... In 2012, I will treat people out of what I am committed to in life (love and respect) and not out of an impulse and a reaction on how I think they are behaving. I will behave as I want to behave, not as how I think my circumstances push me to. I will embrace my inner jerk and choose to bring something sweeter to the mix. And I will give people the benefit of the doubt.

This is not just an empty promise, but what I see as the great exercise of personal freedom in life. I am sure I'll fall at some point and bark back at someone in the car. But it's worth the try!

I will tell you how it goes...

Private vs. Public

I know I have already written about how hospitable the Lebanese can be. I wanted to focus this time on something that really struck me the other day.

I work in an office with about 400 people. Last week, there was a guy who was walking office by office with a huge box of chocolates.

I personally didn't know the guy, and to my surprise, he came beaming into my office to offer me a chocolate and tell me his wife just had a baby.

I was absolutely moved by the gesture, since a) I had never seen anything like this before and b) I realized what a wonderful custom this is, to let your whole community know about this happy event and about how happy you are.

In Mexico, to the contrary of what many would think, we are actually very private about our personal matters. It is hard to explain, since we are very social at the same time. But I dare say that we do not talk about the really personal stuff in public. There is a huge emphasis on "being appropriate" and saying something that would be shameful for you or your family is an absolute no-no.

And after living in New England (North East of the US), forget it. I am just used to keep conversations, especially at work on a rather superficial level, unless I have a colleague with whom I feel more at ease, and I open up.

What became very clear to me in Lebanon is that people talk about everything. Even with strangers. Some of my friends complain that this is just to nosy, that people shouldn't inquire about every detail of your life. But I just find it fascinating.

Let me give you an example: I enter the elevator in my office, and a woman is in there. I smile politely and then stare at the ceiling (I hate awkward elevator silence).

The woman asks me: are you new? And I go, no, I have been here for 6 months. And then she goes, where do you work (which unit), where do you live, are you married, you got any kids?

Or I am talking to a Lebanese person and he asks me how much my rent is, if my husband is happy, if I have gained weight since last time we saw each other... I mean, things that a Mexican would never ask.

I must say at the beginning, this made me very uncomfortable. I would just lie or change the subject. But I have now realized that behind this superficial "small talk" that I have been accustomed to my whole life is a huge fear of being known (and judged). So I talk about the little things, so the other doesn't have too much information (and can't use it against me).

Maybe the fact that I come from a city with over 20 million people makes me just naturally distrusting. Maybe my culture doesn't allow me to be vulnerable in public. Or maybe this is just a personality trait. The bottom line is that I find this Lebanese nosiness completely disarming. It makes me open up. Tell people who I am. And people look genuinely interested about me when they ask all these questions.

I don't know if as a stranger in this land I crave this type of familiarity and intimacy with people. But I must say that it has allowed me to develop more meaningful relationships around me. People in Lebanon are just friendly. For whatever reason, they just want to know.